Don’t Blame Love

In the final chapter of Love Works, the feminine personality of life, irritated by the disorder generated by the masculine personality of intellect, grabs him by the short hairs, prompting him to observe:

Choice is a bitch. Let’s hope the kids do better next time. Now, will you let go? (How does she make it hurt so much?)

It’s undeniable that the spread of life across the earth has been driven by primitive urges.

Life’s procreative greed causes ecosystems to become saturated, stunting evolutionary opportunity. The great extinction episodes of paleohistory terminated biological dead-ends, and were all followed by eras in which life took off in new directions.

Conversely, the ability to use tools requires a large brain and flexible digits, both of which limit the growth of organic armor (which traps heat) and organic weapons (which must be anchored to large bones). Thus creatures of intellect such as humans are biologically vulnerable, and so spread only when they can produce tools that overcome the weapons and armor of other animals.

Once those tools were available, however, fear and greed drove us to consume natural resources without restraint, bringing the globe today to the point of ecological collapse. Deflecting the force of these natural tendencies is the challenge we have laid at love’s door.

In the history of religion, that struggle began with the worship of the two polar opposites of procreation and death. With the rise of the hydrological civilizations, an intellectual class of priests began to envision gods with subtle ethical character. But it was really only about 3000 years ago (and only among the intellectual elite) that humanity dared to suppose the gods should be devoted to us, rather than the other way around.

Monotheism is the culmination of this process, and led eventually to the declaration that God is love. This is common to all of the great religions.

But is it to our advantage? Given that we have free will, why should we feel constrained to draw only upon love when we face challenges? When our treasurer embezzles the retirement fund, do we just shrug our shoulders? Or do we get a noose? And when the hanging is done, can’t we justify the act with the assertiong that we are loving our spouse, children and/or co-workers?

The retort to this logic is that if you had really cared about your treasurer and paid attention to her psychological well-being, you would have seen the trouble long before it manifested. But, damn, that seems like a lot of work, and didn’t we pay them to do the right thing? So we keep the noose handy, and that means that the old deities of death get in through the back door of our religions. They stay alive there, and as ecological collapse sweeps across the globe, they will appear once again to grow in power.

But, fundamentally, they are the disease. Sexual indulgence and fear of death are what drove us to exploit the natural world. That love did not have a magic wand to drive them away is not its fault. So we need to stop blaming monotheistic religions for our refusal to hew to the dictates of love. Rather, we need to double down, even as fear sweeps over us, and invest in the love that creates the strength to resist the urge to exploit the world around us.

On Poverty and Riches

Just taking the long view (I mean – the long, long, long view), I consider the time-scale of the cosmos and the saga of biological evolution and we have the precious experience of living in this 10,000 year period in which our intelligence and the natural resources stored up from the past are available for us to do really deep work on our personalities. Simply to be alive in this time is such an incredible gift – to be able to play at being a creator, each in our own limited way.

Even if only to be able to plant a field, or tend a herd, or write a blog. Even if only to be the voice that reminds “There are still problems to be solved” in a way that motivates others to seek for solutions. Not to place fault, but to exhort greatness in others – to guide them into the only form of self-creation that opens to God.

Yes, the window is closing, as it was prophesied in Revelation. No, it’s not the fault of any single individual, and if we collectively had been more considerate of the forms of life that occupied the planet before us, maybe it wouldn’t be so traumatic. But that’s not under my control, so the question I constantly confront myself with is: what am I doing with my opportunity? Am I offering my creative capacities in the service of Life, or do I expect Life to serve me? Because when I finally lose my grip on this body, it is Life and Love that awaits to embrace me with the eternal embrace, if only I know how to receive it.

CLR’ing Away the .NET

When Microsoft first began offering “component” technology to the world, it was a result of unmanaged programming. I don’t mean “unmanaged” in the technical sense (more on that later). I mean “unmanaged” in the original sense: after smashing its office suite competition by tying a full-featured release of Office to Windows 3.1, Microsoft found its development teams competing with each other. When Word users asked for limited spread-sheet capabilities, the Word developers began recreating Excel. When Outlook users asked for sophisticated text formatting for the e-mails, the development team began recreating Word.

Now this reflects two things. The first and most significant is that the code base created by the application teams was not modular. The Word team should have been able to lift the basic spread-sheet engine right out of the Excel code base. The second was that Microsoft had a schizophrenic developer base. Visual Basic developers enjoyed the features of an interpreted language that allowed them to modify code during execution, while Visual C++ developers enjoyed the benefits of high-speed execution. Unfortunately, those two worlds didn’t talk well to each other. C++ uses ‘0’ to locate the first item in a list, while VB uses ‘1.’

Microsoft’s attempt to bridge these gulfs was their Component Object Model. As a response to the duplication of code, it was a little heavy: COM enabled users to add an Excel spreadsheet in Word, but at the cost of starting a full instance of Excel in the background, doubling the memory requirements. By contrast, I saw a demonstration of IBM SOM Objects at a software engineering conference in 1997 that brought a spreadsheet into a text editor while adding only 3% to the memory burden.

At that conference, IBM touted a world in which a graduate student could write add-ins to popular business applications. This was obviously not in the interests of Microsoft, whose dominance of the office application market fueled its profits. This was evident in their implementation of COM. When adding a new component to the operating system, the component registers its services (in the “Windows Registry,” of course). Microsoft published its Office services so that developers of enterprise applications could automatically create Word documents and Excel spreadsheets. That should have meant that other teams could create alternative implementations of those interfaces. To hobble that strategy, Microsoft did not include a reverse lookup capability in its registry. In other words, if you wanted to let your user pick which dictionary to use for a spell-checker, there was no way to find out which installed components provided a “Dictionary” service. You had to walk the entire registry and ask each component in turn whether it was a “Dictionary.” This was not a cheap operation: when I tried it in 1998, it took almost a minute.

On top of this, Microsoft biased its component technology to the VB developer, assuming that C++ developers were sophisticated enough to work around the inconsistencies. This was not an minor burden. What took three lines of code in VB could take a page in C++.

However, COM and its successor DCOM were the latest shiny toy, and many C++ developers flocked to the technology, even for pure C++ implementations. I was scandalized, because C++ had its own methods for creating reusable modules, methods that lay at the foundations of COM and DCOM underneath the cruft of type conversions and named method invocations. I finally found an article on MSDN that warned that COM and DCOM should only be used for systems that were configured dynamically. This included, famously, Visual Basic, host to a rich market of third-party user interface controls (known as “ActiveX” controls). But Microsoft’s advice was not heeded by the industry, and even today I am repackaging COM components as dynamically loaded libraries (DLLs) that publish native C++ objects.

I must admit that over time the work demanded of the C++ developer has moderated. Visual Studio can generate C++ interfaces using a COM “type library,” and allows users to decorate a class declaration with symbols that allow tools to automatically generate the COM wrappers that publish code to VB.

Unfortunately, the field tilted against the C++ developer when Microsoft introduced its .NET technology. One of the major charges leveled against C++ over the years is that developers need to explicit manage the resources consumed by their programs. Memory in particular is a bugaboo, and one of the major challenges of writing a complex C++ application is ensuring that memory doesn’t “leak.” This frustration was catered to by the creators of Java and other “managed” languages (including Microsoft’s C#). Unfortunately, it encourages the fiction that memory is the only resource that developers need to manage, a fiction that is addressed explicitly in the documentation of Java and C# class libraries that open network connections or access external components such as databases.

Be that as it may, Microsoft had to decide whether to continue to support new technologies, such as HTML 5 and XML, upon the fundamental foundations of the machine architecture, or within the higher-level abstractions of the managed world. The overwhelming popularity of managed languages drove the choice. Microsoft no longer delivers full-featured libraries for C++ developers. For a long time, they could only access those features through the clumsy methods of COM programming.

This came to a head for my team last year when trying to implement a new feature that required parsing of XML files. A demonstration application was quickly written in C#, but as the effort to access that from our C++ code was prohibitive, we went looking for a third-party XML library. We couldn’t find one that did the job.

The lack of support for C++ libraries has created some distressing contradictions. C++ developers have always been proud to claim that code written in C++ runs twice as fast as code written in a managed language. Recent studies reveal, however, that processing a large file, such as sensor data produced by a networked device or log files from a cloud applications, is dominated by the time it takes to read the file. The C++ libraries appear to take twice as long to read the file as the C# libraries.

Driven by this evidence to seek new methods for using .NET libraries in C++ code, I finally came upon Microsoft’s C++/CLI or CLR technology. In CLR, the developer has direct control over whether his objects are managed or unmanaged. This means that the speed of C++ execution can be leveraged when necessary, while also allowing access to the rich .NET libraries maintained by Microsoft. Originally CLR was advanced as a technology for migrating C++ applications to the .NET libraries, but it turned out that there were too many inconsistencies between the run-time environment established for native C++ applications and .NET applications.

But what about those of use with a million lines of code that runs within the native C++ execution environment? Is there no bridge?

I am glad to report that we have found it. It is to create a CLR library that exports unmanaged objects using the classic DLL methods that COM originally supplanted. The unmanaged objects wrap managed .NET components, and use C++/CLI methods to convert between C++ and .NET data types.

I am certain that there are some constraints on this strategy, particularly when trying to integrate .NET and C++ components in user interfaces or attempting to ensure data consistency during simultaneous execution in both environments. But for simple operations that drop into the managed world temporarily, it seems to work just fine.

And I find some joy in coming full circle, with only a few lines of code being able once again to write code as a C++ developer should, rather than as a second-class citizen in a market targeting to developers solving far simpler problems than I confront every day.

Trump v. Jesus

As I watched the footage of Donald Trump screaming “Get them out of here! Get them out of here!” and “Try not to hurt him – but if you do I’ll defend you in court,” I had this image of Jesus standing in the center of the crowd, trying to calm the hatred, just falling to his knees as a great shouted heart-cry arose from him.

This is not what I died for!

Rachel Maddow’s backdrop to her coverage of violence in the Trump campaign sported a picture of a Trump in full bombast, underlined with “De-Nomination.” Rachel sees Trump as a fascist, and drew parallels with the behavior of his followers and those of Hitler. Indeed, one of those caught on film pushing a black attendee at a Trump rally proudly proclaimed his affiliation with a white supremacist group. Maddow believes that through his incitement of violence Trump is disqualifying himself for nomination to be the leader of a free nation.

I see this as being a far more complex phenomenon, recognizing that the anti-Trump media has tended to feed the paranoia by casting his off-the-cuff comments in the least charitable light. Trump’s retort to Megan Kelly that “blood [was] coming from…wherever” was probably an unfinished reference to her nose or mouth, not her vagina.

My own visceral reaction to Trump comes from another source. After I finished playing with electrons and muons, I left particle physics because I realized that it would never have practical applications. It wouldn’t create jobs for the people that need them most. My first “real” job involved rescuing a project built by technologists to monitor waste discharges from a facility that employed 10,000 people. The system was required by the local treatment facility because prior discharges had disrupted their operations. Working eighteen hour days under enormous pressure, I brought the system under control, investigated patterns of radiation releases that violated the terms of our discharge license, and participated in tours to calm public fears. I protected those jobs.

After leaving government employment, I began work as a software developer. In my three major engagements, I worked in companies run by people who hated government, seeing it as merely an impediment to job creation. But the ethic of their operations was shocking to me. The organizations were dominated by fear – fear largely originating from the realization that the software used to control the expensive machines they built was so incomprehensible that engineers could no longer configure the installations. In each case, I refactored the code, fixing bugs and adding features as I went. I saved jobs.

The response in every case was to beat me down, because I exposed the fact that, at root, it was the behaviors of executives that made it impossible to achieve success. It was the lies and anger managers projected at their employees that destroyed their capacity to think. I came in and restructured those relationships, building a core of rationality and blame-free problem solving that enabled people to grasp at hope. I ministered to my peers as a Christian, and that terrified those that terrified them.

So this is what I see when I see Trump: a screaming blaggart who builds casinos designed to take advantage of people of weak will, and exclusive communities that protect the rich from rubbing elbows with the poor. I see a destroyer of families and social cohesion, and a diverter of energy that could be employed to heal the infirm and sustain the poor.

In Daniel’s Dream of the Four Beasts [Dan. 7], Daniel sees the coming of “the Ancient of Days” on a “flaming throne” with “wheels of fire.” This is the imagery that accompanies Apollo, god of the sun, in Greek religion. Daniel sees the fourth beast being consumed by flame, even as the last of its horns continues with its “boastful words.” So we have Trump, distracting us with his boasting (“When I’m elected, we’ll win so much that you get tired of winning.”) from the necessary work of healing the world of the mess we’ve made of it, and most specifically the effects of global warming.

I think that Rachel had the wrong word on her backdrop last night. I think that it should have been “Domination,” that great enemy of Christian truth and freedom that seeks to force others to comply with its will. As foretold in Daniel, the fiery destruction of domination is an unfortunate prerequisite to the coming of the Age of Christ. As Jesus suffers the “birthing pains” of His return, try not to be taken in by the enemy’s vainglorious self-promotion.

Ever Expanding

On Sunday afternoon from 4 to 6, I’ve been attending Jeff Nash’s Awakening Process workshops at the Love Dome down in Venice. I had been going to the Friday evening sessions that included dance expression in the second hour, but as I’m down in Santa Monica on Sunday nights for the LA Full-Contact Improv Jam, I decided to save myself the stress of a second trip.

The Sunday afternoon sessions are intimate, with typically three or four participants. We normally begin with a brief discussion of theory, focusing on a particular life issue raised by one of the attendees. The foundations of the process are simple: we’re here to learn to relate to one another. Pain is best thought of as a signal that guides healing energy. When we relax into the flow of that energy, our bodies do a far better job of healing themselves than any conscious process can emulate.

Releasing the stress of the week, we typically begin to collapse to the floor after a half an hour, lying on mats and pillows. Jeff comes by with essential oils, asking what I’m feeling. He doesn’t guide, simply asking for clarification, and when the feeling is clearly defined, whether there is a memory attached to the feeling. When I express stress, Jeff reminds me to focus on my exhale, which allows me to release.

The evolution of the experience has been deeply beneficial. It began with some tension, as Jeff was raised 7th Day Adventist, and his assessment of Christianity reflected the dogmatism of that sect. Once we got that out of the way, he is really in tune with what I have going on inside of me, concluding his visits with the observation that I should be looking for a trigger for my emotions and sensations from a time “early in this life,” followed after a brief pause with, “or in a past life.”

The efficacy of his guidance became palpable two weeks ago. I have been struggling with tightness in my left obliques, and when I focused more deeply on the problem, traced it to something that seemed to be attached to the inside of my rib cage on the left side. Advised to let healing flow into the area, a distinct warmth came, and the tension dissolved.

Later in that same session, I became aware that my fingers were curled into my palms. I’ve had  this pointed out to me before, and as I focused on letting them open and extend, recognized that it came with a social predisposition to guard myself from casual intimacy. As I stood at staff meeting the next morning with my fingers spread and feeling myself rooted into the floor, one of my antagonists stared at me, sitting up to confront my presence before slumping in defeat.

That sense of rootedness carried over to my yoga practice. I realized that I was still bearing most of my weight on the right foot, and began methodically to balance weight identically on each foot. This has relieved me of the burden of fighting subtle weight imbalance, allowing me to relax into postures that once I strained to maintain.

Last Sunday this focus on balance carried on down to the mat. I opened my palms and forced the left side of my glutes to bear equal weight. I felt my arms lengthen, and my knuckles anchor deeply into the wood floor. I was filled with a great openness, and then a sudden urge to curl up into a ball. After relating to Jeff that “I need to fight that”, he offered that “You could let yourself curl up.” Instead, I relaxed more deeply, and felt myself expanding. For I moment I panicked, admitting that “There’s danger there,” but also a welcoming presence sending the thought “You’re not alone.” Jeff asked what I was feeling, and I could only offer “I’m in the world now.” Not quite satisfied, he asked “And what does that feel like?” Lacking meaningful words, I offered “Like a great circle closing.”

Later that night, I slid up next to him. Rubbing his back tenderly, I leaned into his shoulder and whispered, “I remember you.”

He had praised my virtue when others would not.

Wish You Were There

Google has recently announced a “photo location” service that will tell you where a picture was taken. They have apparently noticed that every tourist takes the same photos, and so if they have one photo tagged with location, they can assign that location to all similar photos.

I’m curious, as a developer, regarding the nature of the algorithms they use. As a climate change alarmist, I’m also worried about the energy requirements for the analysis. It turns out that most cloud storage is used to store our selfies (whether still or video). Over a petabyte a day is added to YouTube, with the amount expected to grow by a factor of ten by 2020. A petabyte is a million billion bytes. By contrast, the library of Congress can be stored in 10 terabytes, or one percent of what is uploaded daily to YouTube.

Whatever Google is doing to analyze the photos, there’s just a huge amount of data to process, and I’m sure that it’s a huge drain on our electricity network. And this is just Google. Microsoft also touts the accumulation of images as a driver for growth of its cloud infrastructure. A typical data center consumes energy like a mid-size city. To reduce the energy costs, Microsoft is considering deployment of its compute nodes in the ocean, replacing air conditioning with passive cooling by sea water.

But Google’s photo location service suggests another alternative. Why store the photos at all? Rather than take a picture and use Google to remind you where you were, why not tell Google where you were and have it generate the picture?

When I was a kid, the biggest damper on my vacation fun was waiting for the ladies to arrange their hair and clothing when it came time to take a photo. Why impose that on them any longer? Enjoy the sites, relax, be yourself. Then go home, dress for the occasion, and send up a selfie to a service that will embed you in a professional scenery photo, adjusting shadows and colors for weather and lighting conditions at the time of your visit.

It might seem like cheating, but remember how much fun it was to stick your face in those cut-out scenes on the boardwalk when you were a kid? It’s really no different than that. And it may just save the world from the burdens of storing and processing the evidence of our narcissism.

Too Smart for Your Neighbor’s Good

As a practicing software developer, I regret that I must own up to the role software has played in facilitating concentration of risk in our society. By “concentration of risk,” I mean that people (or classes of people) who suffer misfortune are often required to pay more for services, which increases their vulnerability.

Paradoxically, this situation arises due to the desire of those that have wealth to minimize risk and maximize return from passive investments such as lending and insurance. That supports a class of investment and financial advisers who seek to segregate populations into “high-risk” and “low-risk” communities. In the health care industry, that “high-risk” obviously includes someone with a pre-existing condition. “Low risk” would be someone that exercises regularly and moderately and does not smoke.

The advent of computerized information gathering and processing means that identifying and marketing to “low-risk” populations is possible today in ways that were not possible before. Now that might seem to be a good thing – we obviously want to reward responsible behavior such as moderate exercise, and discourage irresponsible behavior such as smoking. Charging people more money is one way of sending those signals.

The difficulty comes when behaviors previously thought to be acceptable are discovered through statistical analysis to be correlated with high cost. Smoking is the obvious example. Many doctors smoked prior to the publication of the cancer studies that resulted in the warning labels on cigarettes. It was a rational choice: smoking helped them to manage stress, and by restricting blood flow in the extremities, helped them to think more clearly.

Even more difficult is when we actually have no control over our risk. Let’s say that we learn that our genes themselves are risk indicators. What are we supposed to do about that? Go back and tell our parents not to have sex?

But this is why it’s called “insurance.” Life is full of circumstances beyond our control – just think of the victim disabled in a head-on collision with a drunk driver.

So far, though, we’ve been considering situations that involve meaningful learning. That’s a desireable application of statistical analysis. But that’s not the kind of analysis that created the two great financial disasters of the modern era: America’s grossly inefficient health care market and the mortgage industry meltdowns. Both of these were driven by risk analysis unrelated to personal conduct.

In the health insurance market, the problem began with the formation of companies that sought to isolate and insure only those that were healthy. They offered tempting premiums to those in traditional full-service health plans, which caused many of them to switch carriers. Unfortunately, this meant that the traditional plans were starved of the premiums that financed care for sick people. To stay in business, the traditional health plans raised premiums, which eventually began to force the sickest people (often disadvantaged as income earners) out of the plan.

Unable to afford insurance due to their pre-existing condition, the chronically ill either went without care or applied for coverage that did not include their preexisting condition. Discovering this trend, the low-cost insurers hired claims agents to vet insurance applications. Then the real catch-22 came in: when the insured became sick with another illness, they were denied coverage because they did not report their pre-existing condition. They paid for insurance, and were denied coverage. Eventually, the profitability of this practice became such that profit-conscious insurers would routinely deny coverage for expensive treatments, forcing patients into lengthy and obscure claims adjustment procedures that they lacked the understanding to navigate.

Let’s be certain that we understand clearly: people who enrolled when not sick and led normal lives became ill, and were denied the benefits of their life-long participation in health insurance because people not so misfortunate were poached away by insurers that offered them lower premiums. Some among those insurers chose to maximize their profits by using complex statements of coverage and simple intimidation to avoid paying expensive claims. In conclusion: the application of sophisticated data analysis techniques distorted the health care coverage system by increasing the number of insurers, and therefore the total cost of its administration, while isolating the sick and poor from health care.

In the mortgage industry, the process was more subtle, and more directly reflected the divorce between financial management and service provision. Historically, banks made money on mortgage interest payments. They provided the money for the home purchase, and carried the risk of default. As the housing market became less and less stable, the large money market banks sought methods to distribute this risk. Sensible enough. They created “mortgage-backed securities”: essentially stocks that pooled mortgages, allowing investors to buy mortgages in bulk without having to administer loans. Particularly for overseas investors, American interest rates represented an attractive premium over those available in their relatively impoverished markets.

There were two twists in the implementation of the program. I’ll focus on the first, because mortgage security risk pools is too arcane for casual discussion.

First, how were banks to make money for placing the loans? They were giving up the long-term revenue of interest payments. There was another source of profit in the mortgage process, however: the closing costs paid on the transaction itself. This was baked into the system however, and so not particularly easy to increase.

So another strategy was chosen: the adjustable-rate mortgage, or ARM. This was structured to enable underqualified buyers to get into a home with low fixed interest rates, with a switch to much higher floating rates after five years. While many home buyers may have thought that improved earnings would allow them to manage the higher payments at five years, downward pressure on wages actually meant that most of them were forced to refinance their mortgage at five years with another ARM. Now this might seem unfair to the mortgage holder, who was losing out on the high interests rates expected after five years. But the holder didn’t have access to the customer – the banks did. And the banks profited because the refinancing allowed them to collect closing costs again.

Eventually, this system went completely out of control. In the aftermath of the 2008 financial meltdown, it was discovered that many of the largest and most aggressive mortgage aggregators (such as CountryWide) routinely falsified loan applications to make the loans appear less risky than they were. Effectively, they were defrauding those buying the loans as securities, and those (such as Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae) that insured them.

Of course, when the system collapsed, it was the homeowners that were hurt the most. A mortgage default is an incredibly abusive process: the homeowner loses all of their equity. Let’s be specific: if you’ve paid off 80% of your mortgage and fall behind on payments on the remainder, ownership of the property is returned to the mortgage holder in full.

For this reason, many states have laws that protect homeowners in the event of default on their primary mortgage. Home-equity loans, however, violate that protection, as does (you guessed it) refinancing.

How did information technology contribute to this mess? By enabling the creation and marketing of mortgage-backed securities.

But my point here is that in both situations, it was the desire to avoid risk and maximize profit that created dysfunctional systems focused solely on profit creation to the detriment of those actually paying for the service – either the patient or the home owner. These are average members of the public who of necessity must trust the expertise of those providing the service, just as the insurance agent or realtor must trust the plumber that comes to unclog their toilet.

Prior to the modern era, one of the fastest ways to wealth was to sell “death insurance” to the poor. This was often a fraud, with the “insurer” skipping town when people began to die. To limit this public nuisance, regulations were established. In the ’90s, however, information technology drove evolution in these industries that did a complete end-run around the regulatory restrictions. It behooves the public to be conscious of that, and to hold their representatives in government responsible for any failure to anticipate and moderate the excesses the ensued.

Called Out on Quotes III

Well, I was going to try to work up a quote from Hume, but I could not track the fragment found in On Kindness (Phillips and Taylor) to its source. I also got into a rather heated debate with IB, and am now too exhausted to organize my thoughts, which were to link Hume’s thought as a rebuttal of the nihilistic philosophy of Hobbes. The fragment says that Hobbes’s position is tenable only to “he who has forgotten the operation of his own heart.”

So, you know, I’m going to quote myself. From the home page out at everdeepning.org, this is the best wisdom that I have. It explains Humes’s observation, and sets forth the only path that I can see freeing us from the consequences of our actions:

Love dissolves the barriers of time and space, allowing energy, wisdom, and understanding to flow between us, and embracing us with the courage, clarity and calm that overcomes obstacles and creates opportunities. When we open our hearts to one another, there is no truth that is not revealed. And – for those that truly love themselves – no impulse to harm that cannot be turned to the purposes of healing and creation.

Called Out on Quotes II

While I was an atheist from ages twelve through forty-one, I was shocked from an early age at what appeared to me to be the casual and heartless misuse of the word “love.” I encountered the writings of F. Scott Peck when I was in college, and wrote a long letter to him after reading The Road Less Traveled. One of my concerns was that Peck seemed to ignore the importance and necessity of self-love. I eventually received a hand-written reply from his personal assistant, though I didn’t recognize the gravity of the personal touch.

It took me until late in my life to realize that most people didn’t share my mania for precision and integrity in their use of words. My ex-wife, an interpreter and rebel against Marxist indoctrination, explained that words were simply a semiotic system that were manipulated to produce the effects we desired. The implications of the observation were lost on me until much later.

As with many people committed to moral principle, I have found myself often feeling that the world is designed to visit cruelty upon the good. Turning the other cheek is a fool’s errand, at least from a practical perspective. But I am constitutionally unable to focus ill will. The trick for me was recognizing that I didn’t have to accept it. I’ve written about this before: heaping coals on somebodies head isn’t necessary when a refusal to accept their ill will causes it to rebound back upon them. While sometimes I give it a little push (thinking “that mind is a lot more fertile territory for you to grow in”), for the most part I try simply to let it pass through me.

The greatest struggle in that discipline occurs when there are concrete consequences to yourself and those dependent upon you. After ten years of living in that fear, I encountered the story of Jakob Boehme, the German Christian and mystic.

Boehme was compelled by mystical experience to write profusely of his experience of grace. The response of the religious authorities of the age was to forbid circulation of his works – even the hand copies produced by his friends. Eventually Boehme was forced to flee, leaving his family to the suffer alone the duress of the Thirty Years war. Boehme voiced his opinion that his faith saved him from persecution, landing on his feet again and again through the intervention of strangers.

The similarity in our stories was striking to me. Among other details, while not forbidden to write, I found myself constantly in confrontation with those that deride Christianity. This could take the form of the lawyer guiding me through my child custody dispute sitting down and joking with his peer about priestly pedophilia (“Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers”). While on Boy Scout campouts, I would often found my meditations on the beauty around me interrupted by fathers stopping by to dismiss faith as an intellectual fraud. And at work, the owner announced at staff meeting that “you can go to church looking for forgiveness, but I get far more out of knowing the family that runs Cook County.” Finally, as a blogger, I not infrequently find myself confronted by victims of Christian theological abuse that seem to find it necessary to shift their pain.

It is this quote by Jakob Boehme that gave me the strength to grow through my bruised reaction to such events:

If you ask why the Spirit of Love cannot be displeased, cannot be disappointed, cannot complain, accuse, resent or murmur, it is because the Spirit of Love desires nothing but itself.

It is taped to the top of my monitor at work, and affirmed for me every time I see the confidence and strength in the eyes of the sons that I devoted myself to serving.

Boehme’s words have allowed me to confirm that it was the growing power of the Spirit of Love inside of me that made it so difficult for me to hurt others. It was not weakness, but a kind of being born from within. The choice, taken early in my childhood, may have been naive, but, once made, for some reason not one that I could renounce. At this time, I am glad to say, nor is it one that I can ever see regretting.